My Heart and Other Black Holes - Jasmine Warga

Synopsis

Aysel and Roman are practically strangers, but they've been drawn into an unthinkable partnership. In a month's time, they plan to commit suicide - together.

Aysel knows why she wants to die: being the daughter of a murderer doesn't equal normal, well-adjusted teenager. But she can't figure out why handsome, popular Roman wants to end it all....and why he's even more determined than she is.

With the deadline getting closer, something starts to grow between Aysel and Roman - a feeling she never thought she would experience. It seems there might be something to live for, after all - but is Aysel in so deep she can't turn back? 

~~~~~

'Maybe we all have darkness inside of us and some of us are better at dealing with it than others.'

I was keen to read My Heart and Other Black Holes when I found out about it, as the storyline and themes really interest me personally. I read it quickly and found the story gripping and compelling, and I felt compassion for Aysel and Roman, two young people, total strangers, who plan to take their own lives, together. 

For the most part I thought this was an excellent book; I was so glad to see something written in young adult fiction exploring difficult, complex feelings of guilt, and dealing with deep depression, and in this case focussing on teenagers. This is an impressive, moving and honest debut novel with a frank and well portrayed depiction of depression, sadness and self-blame. 

There are some excellent scenes and a real understanding and compassion of depression is demonstrated in the writing, as well as the difficulty some people can have with interactions with others, retreating into themselves so far that their outlook on the world becomes very bleak indeed, believing they are everything their illness tells them they are. The author convincingly depicts problems within different relationships, whether between siblings, mother-daughter, mother-son - so as well as depression and the individual, the novel looks at different family structures and friendships too and how they are affected. 

My main quibble was that I personally was not a hundred percent sure about the ending and whether it felt right to me, but I would definitely recommend others read this novel and decide for themselves. This story affected me in the way I think I thought the book The Fault in Our Stars would but didn't. 

I read a proof copy a while ago now and I hope when the finished book appears here in the UK that there will be appropriate help and support links at the back for the UK for anyone who might need them (as the novel is set in the USA). I do think it is important that topics like this are covered, sensitively. 

I did find parts of this story upsetting and notice my mood drop, so if you doubt your strength do think about whether it is the right time for you to read this, and whether it will help you. 

Review copy received via amazon vine 

Reasons to Stay Alive - Matt Haig

Synopsis from goodreads:

I want life.

I want to read it and write it and feel it and live it.

I want, for as much of the time as possible in this blink-of-an-eye existence we have, to feel all that can be felt.

I hate depression. I am scared of it. Terrified, in fact. But at the same time, it has made me who I am. And if - for me - it is the price of feeling life, it's a price always worth paying

Reasons to Stay Alive is about making the most of your time on earth. In the western world the suicide rate is highest amongst men under the age of 35. Matt Haig could have added to that statistic when, aged 24, he found himself staring at a cliff-edge about to jump off. This is the story of why he didn't, how he recovered and learned to live with anxiety and depression. It's also an upbeat, joyous and very funny exploration of how live better, love better, read better and feel more. 

Published by Canongate

~~~~~

'When you are depressed you feel alone, and that no one is going through quite what you are going through. You are so scared of appearing in any way mad you internalise everything, and you are so scared that people will alienate you further you clam up and don't speak about it, which is a shame, as speaking about it helps. Words - spoken or written - are what connect us to the world, and so speaking about it to people, and writing about this stuff, helps connect us to each other, and to our true selves.'

I read Reasons to Stay Alive the same day it arrived in the post. 

I'd been looking forward so much to this book arriving.

Actually, both looking forward to it, and a bit trepidatious about reading it. 
For one thing, I thought, if I don't read it straight away, I might put it off and become more and more scared about starting it. So I opened the cover and just read it. 

It's not always easy to comment about something that deals with subject matter which relates very personally to you. 

But I want to try, because if ever there was an important book it's this one. 

Because, speaking from experience, depression can be an isolating, frightening, misunderstood illness, and if there's anything that's able to help with a sufferer feeling a bit less alone and bit more understood, then that 'thing', be it a book, a film, whatever, is worth shouting about. 

Words I would use to describe this book, for someone who doesn't want to read or can't manage to read a big long review just now, (based on my experience of desperately wanting to understand more about this illness but recoiling at the detail in some books that I just couldn't cope with on my own at times when struggling):

kind, understanding, honest, helpful, warm, positive, open, important, cheering, supportive, encouraging, straightforward, a friend.

This book helps because it grasps what depression is like, how it can take over your life and make you feel like you are not yourself anymore, the depression is you. How can the book do this with so much insight and comprehension? Because the writer has been there and knows.

Author Matt Haig describes his own personal experiences with depression and anxiety, the worst and lowest point he found himself at, what he has done to try and get better, how he has found ways that sometimes help him, and the things that he wants to live for. 

It was wonderful to read of how books, and then starting to write, have been so important in helping Matt. He recommends here some of the books that he read when he felt unwell. I find solace myself through reading as much as I am able to, and still want to try writing one day, so it was encouraging to read how these things helped the author.

He also discusses some of what he has learnt about the illness; I found the mentions of evolutionary psychology interesting and maybe one day I'll read more about this - has the world moved on too fast for our minds? I think that was the sort of idea, if I've grasped it correctly. 

The book informs, or reminds us, depending on your knowledge, that there is still a huge amount that is unknown about this illness:

'The more you research the science of depression, the more you realise it is still more characterised by what we don't know that what we do. It is 90 per cent mystery.'

In terms of my thoughts about the book, all I can say is what the book did for me, as I was reading it, and after I had finished. I hope that this is helpful.

For someone struggling with depression (and anxiety), this book could make a difference to you in these ways - these are some of the things I thought and felt about it as I read:

It will help me

It will help someone who loves me

It's kind and understanding and honest

It's easy to read, and well presented, decent sized decently spaced print and a manageable length, something that can't be underestimated when you're depressed

It's open and honest and it shows me that there is a chance to get through each day

It shows that I are not alone in thinking awful things, in thinking I might never feel better, and it understands - this is huge - it understands that sometimes doing the tiniest smallest things are terrifying, and they are major accomplishments. In particular I'm thinking of the part about going to the shop on your own when you are very low. 

It understands the battle to try and hold on to a positive thought. 

It offers me reasons to be hopeful, to be strong, and ways to look at things differently, positively.

I feel like someone else in the world understands me now. I feel a bit less alone, a bit less scared, a bit less guilty and anxious and burdened. 

It helps you understand that everyone's experience of depression differs, that there is no one size fits all approach or answer to it, but it offers things to try that have worked for the author.

Just to reiterate one of my feelings about it mentioned above - I think it will be helpful to read for someone who loves you and is trying to help you with this illness, to help them see it from the inside as well as the outside, it offers some clarity and insight that a person really suffering might not be able to put into words very well for themselves, - how do you explain depression? - and it will help them to encourage their loved one that they are not the only one who feels depressed like they do (a common feeling). 

There's a couple of pages headed up 'Things depression says to you'. I nodded at it all so I marked the whole pages. Things like...
'Why are you trying to apply for a job? Who do you think you are?.....
Why are you crying?
Because you need to put the washing on?
Look at the people walking outside....
Why can't you be like them?'
Those pages alone really helped me feel a relief that somone understood. And they might just help others without experience of it to gain insight. And to me, both of these things, the compassion given to sufferers and the understanding given to others, breaking down stigma, are really, really important. 

Many other words that struck a chord as I was reading, here's a couple of them: 

'...the sheer exhaustion of never being able to find mental comfort. Of every positive thought reaching a cul-de-sac before it starts.' 

'days contained thousands of tiny battles'

There are so many sentences I will revisit and re-read, that struck a chord with me and had me nodding in agreement, thinking 'yes, that!', or passages that had me in tears, or sections that felt like a comfort, like a virtual hand holding mine or a virtual friend offering understanding and kindness, and I think and hope I will be able to find encouragement in this book in any future times that I might need it.

It was great to see the quote from Stephen Fry on the book's cover, someone else in the public eye whom I like and admire for breaking down stigma surrounding mental illness.

I hope these thoughts have made some sense and it's not all too incoherent I just felt this was a brilliant book and I had to write about it.

Thank you Matt Haig for being brave enough to look back on his memories and experiences and write this book, thank you to the publisher Canongate for bringing it to us. 

A review from pre-blog days - Notes from an Exhibition - Patrick Gale

I'm sharing a book review I wrote before I started my book blog and which originally appeared elsewhere. My 'before the blog' review posts are inspired by Karen at My Reading Corner and Janet at fromfirstpagetolast.

Notes from an Exhibition by Patrick Gale 

(originally read and reviewed in 2008, I purchased my copy of this novel)


Synopsis

When troubled artist Rachel Kelly dies painting obsessively in her attic studio in Penzance, her saintly husband and adult children have more than the usual mess to clear up. She leaves behind an extraordinary and acclaimed body of work - but she also leaves a legacy of secrets and emotional damage that will take months to unravel.

This is the first Patrick Gale novel I have read, but I am interested to read more after finishing this one. The central character, known as Rachel Kelly for the most part, is, we quickly come to learn, a talented artist, but she is troubled throughout her life with periods of mania and depression.

At first I was not sure if I was very keen on the way the chapters move suddenly and unpredictably in time backwards and forwards between the characters, but I think as the novel progresses, this pattern becomes more comfortable and even adds to the enjoyment once the reader has come to terms with it.

A painting or item by or relating to Rachel is depicted with exhibition style background/information notes to introduce each chapter, and is linked either physically or as a theme with the chapter it proceeds, a clever idea which gives a kind of clean break for each chapter to begin at a different point in time, and focussing on a different character in particular.

Patrick Gale delivers very believable and interesting characters in this novel. I loved to read about the events in the lives of the various children, and of those of Rachel and her husband Antony, who is a calming, patient influence on them all, with his strong grounding in the Quaker faith. This itself was fascinating and made me go on beyond this novel to look into what it means to be a Quaker, purely because of how Gale has written about it here. 

He also deals with the illness Rachel suffers from and the impact it has on her, and her children and the others around her in her wider circle, with great insight and sensitivity. It is moving indeed to see how this might affect children and how they think about it and about her.

The plot weaves together very cleverly indeed, and there are some moments that caused me to gasp or think, ah I see, that's what happened regarding such and such, as it all comes together. I would actually enjoy re-reading this novel as I think the nature of the book means it would enable a better and deeper understanding of the twists and turns and the characters to go through it again.

A recommended read.

His Father's Son - Tony Black

Joey Driscol went to Australia to make a new life for himself and his wife Shauna, trying to leave behind their problems in their homeland of Ireland. They've got a lovely young son now, Marti. However, we soon discover that their life is far from joyful and they are both still weighed down in their own ways by the memories and events in the past, with little communication between them, the happiness all but gone from their relationship. This uneasy situation culminates in Shauna taking Marti away one day, leaving Joey without the best thing in his life, his son. When he discovers where they have gone - back to Ireland - it's an enormous challenge for him to return there and meet again the family he hasn't seen for years, but one he has to face if he is going to see Marti and Shauna again.

This was a compelling, at times very sad story that is full of raw emotion, difficult relationships, fierce love and the highs and lows of life. The author writes movingly about what matters in life, and about how people can carry hurt from the past with them for many years without really facing it, trying to protect themselves and paper over the cracks but becoming susceptible to pain and depression as the worries and ghosts persist inside. The depth of love Joey feels for his dear son Marti, and the strain of having to revisit the past, is strongly evoked, and I felt for them all as I read. The characters were very well drawn and came powerfully to life, most of all Joey and Marti, and also Shauna who is battling the Black Dog. I think I would have liked to have known even more about her; having said that I felt that the focus of the story was right, with Joey and Marti's experiences foremost, and Shauna's thoughts seen through extracts from her diary, read by Joey. We learn of how each of them feels about, and views, the situation, the contrast in their perceptions, and the experiences of all three of them are important to the story. I could feel the awful pain when Joey realised Marti had gone and what he must do, and I could feel the anxiety and confusion as Marti tried to get to grips with his new surroundings in Ireland. I felt I knew Joey most of all though, the things that brought him immense happiness and the things that were a source of great sadness. 

I became involved in the book and willed things to go well for them, for this little family of three. The sense of place in both settings of Australia and Ireland felt real to me, and the use of vernacular language at times added to the authenticity of the characters. There is an element of mystery to the tale too; what happened in the past and what will happen in the future?

His Father's Son is beautifully written; a thoughtful and poignant read with an immense honesty about the writing. I felt the author wrote with a deep understanding of individuals and of family relationships and the story held many truths about how dark times in the past can haunt us and threaten our present, and the strength it requires in order to face that past.  Despite the intense, emotional nature of the story overall, there are light touches too and there is humour and innocence. A powerful, moving book.

Source: proof copy, many thanks
Publisher: Black and White
Author links: twitter @tonyblackuk | website
Other reviews: Liz Loves Books | Random Things |

Emotional Geology - Linda Gillard

'I move to prove to myself that I am not drugged, that I have willpower and can use it. See me - I can move. I exist. I am me. 

The first battle of the day is fought and won.'

Emotional Geology was Linda Gillard's debut novel. She has since written five more novels, most of which I have read - you'll find reviews of some of them here on my blog. I was drawn to reading this one in particular, and yet also hesitant about it, because it deals with mental health. I'm so glad I've read it now. It's a beautiful, sad, evocative and romantic tale that felt very real and honest.

We meet 47 year-old textile artist Rose Leonard living on the island of North Uist in the Outer Hebrides, in a small community, wrapped up in her work, relishing the quietness and peace of her surroundings, trying to escape, or at least find some acceptance of, the traumatic events in her past that still dominate her thoughts. Her main human contact is occasional encounters with her nearest neighbour Shona and her family, and corresponding by letter with her own daughter, Megan. One day Rose meets Shona's brother Calum, a teacher and poet who is younger than her and is blighted by his own scars from the past. 

Linda Gillard captures relationships believably and with Rose and Calum she has depicted an attraction between two very damaged souls; their respective paths in life and love so far have been neither smooth nor easy, but together they make for a passionate, creative couple – though it won’t be an easy journey for them. I felt totally immersed in their story as I read. Love, relationships and desire are themes at the heart of this story but it should by no means be filed away simply under ‘romantic’ fiction as there is so much more to it than that, in particular the importance of place and the search for sanity.

The author conveys the passion that Rose has for her craft, the freedom of expression she finds in her artwork, an outlet for both her inner joys and demons. In Rose she portrays the manic, frenzied highs and desperate, crippling lows of bipolar depression. A mental illness can place enormous strain on relationships and the challenges of that are dealt with skillfully and honestly here. I felt Rose's anguish and reluctance to move forwards into a new relationship, to allow herself to risk being hurt, or to risk trusting Calum, when she was so haunted by her previous partner Gavin; he was still such a presence for her and dominates her thoughts, as Megan tells Calum, ‘She may be physically distant from him and distant in time…But she’s still living with him. He’s in her thoughts, inside her head…’

But I could feel that she sensed there was a chance for her to know new happiness, if she was brave enough, and strong enough, to take it. In Calum we have a sensitive, caring and handsome man, a mature, damaged hero if you like, and Rose is a mature lady, ‘too young to be widowed and too old to be looking for a mate. I occupy that no man’s land – no woman’s land – between youth and old age.’ This is a theme that this author often considers; a lead female character in her forties or fifties, not in the early stages of her life but by no means near the end either, and what that is like. Rose’s relationship with daughter Megan is also evidently difficult and as the story unfolds we discover some of the reasons why. I felt for the position Megan was in, and how difficult it could be sometimes, even if I didn't agree with all of her behaviour.

Even at some of the darkest times, though, and in the most difficult situations there are still wonderful moments of humour, and the author has a gift for this in her writing.

The setting plays a big role in the novel; it is a place of escape, a bleak yet stunning landscape as backdrop to the growth of this new love. The title of the novel is a clever choice. Rose has chosen to live on 'female' North Uist for a reason; even the structure and feel of the land gives her more peace than a 'male', more mountainous landscape such as that on Skye – ‘masculine country of hard edges and angles…male and exciting’ - would:

‘The landscape here on North Uist is female: pale, undulating, yielding. There are no cliffs or mountains, no wide rivers, no great heights or depths, not even many trees. There are sparkling lochans like jewels, wild flowers scattered on the dunes like bright beads, burns that chatter and gurgle like Shona’s children. I feel safe here, even in the teeth of a gale. To be sure, the wind and sea seem male, gnawing away at the land, occasionally beating her into submission, but they come and they go, like the fishermen.’

I could picture some of the scenes in the novel and imagine the places as they are evoked so memorably. I would love to visit this place – Uist - one day and compare it to what I have seen of Skye. 

As well as artistry and expression with textiles and words, the novel explores the pursuit of climbing, and what drives some of those who venture up some of the world’s most challenging climbs. Though I have a passion for hillwalking myself, I wouldn’t describe myself as a climber and it was interesting to read about characters for whom the challenge and risk of climbing is so much a part of their lives, a need they must fulfill.

I found this a moving and at times painful read; parts of it, in particular those dealing with Rose’s health, really touched me. I thought Rose’s illness was portrayed honestly and the impact of it on both her and those around her was believable. These characters intrigued me and have stayed in my mind. I enjoyed the inventive narrative structure incorporating first person, third person, letters and poetry into the storytelling. At times the prose was blunt and crisp; just right for conveying some of the very raw, stark emotions. I liked the symbolism in the story and how trees were important at the very start and again at the very end. 

A heartfelt and unforgettable book. 

Source - author review copy
Previously published by Transita and now self-published Available as an ebook here (paperback currently out of print)
Author website | Author facebook page
Views of other bloggers - Girl Vs Bookshelf  | Dizzy C's Little Book Blog | Angieville

Turning This Thing Around - Keith Maginn - Author Guest Post

Today I am pleased to welcome author Keith Maginn to my blog with an article about how he came to write his memoir, Turning This Thing Around.

Guest author post by Keith Maginn

"I'm not what I ought to be, I'm not what I'm going to be, but thank God I'm not what I used to be."

This famous quote sums up where I am these days. I am still a work in progress, but I am light years beyond where I was just a few years ago. There were times back then when I wondered if life was worth living. I do not feel that way whatsoever anymore.

About five years ago, I found myself sitting outside of a psych ward in Atlanta, Georgia. My fiancée was struggling terribly with bipolar depression. I had done everything I could, but was powerless to help her. I was also fighting my own battle with chronic pain and anxiety. I had no idea what I could do to turn things around. No matter how hard I fought, how much I prayed, things seemed to get worse and worse.

I soon found myself slipping into a deep depression, though I remained outwardly happy. Few of my family, friends or co-workers had any idea how desperate my predicament had become. My fiancée was adamant that no one know what she was going through, but I knew I couldn’t keep everything bottled up inside. I was perilously close to a complete nervous breakdown. Not wanting to betray her trust and talk to anyone, I started writing. It was my therapy, the only way to get some of the anger, sadness and confusion out of me.

I have been writing most of my life, as far back as I can remember. But it was never focused writing, just here and there. Now the words (and emotions) poured out of me. The story seemed to write itself. I realized that others might benefit from what I was writing. I felt people could relate to at least some of what I went through: heartbreak, depression, chronic pain, frustration…

Despite more hardships and heartbreak initially, my life gradually started to improve. I felt I was doing what I was meant to be doing, fulfilling my purpose. My mental and physical health improved and I had a new direction in life, a new focus. Things were looking up, finally.

When I started writing what eventually became Turning This Thing Around, I had no plans of ever publishing it. I wrote for myself, for my own sanity. But what started as a very personal diary evolved into something that I wanted to share with others. If I could overcome what I had, then others could, too. I decided to take a chance and self-published my writing as a “self-help memoir” (changing my fiancée's name to protect her privacy).

I had no idea how people would react to my book. Would they think I was feeling sorry for myself and looking for pity? I had my doubts, but I am very glad I decided to go ahead with the project. The response was wonderful. I have gotten many replies from people that relate and share their own stories with me. I am happy that people can learn from what I went through and that we can connect on an emotional level. I now know that people are often going through more than they show, making empathy, kindness and understanding all the more important.

As Eckhart Tolle said in The Power of Now, my challenges helped me grow as a person and gave me more "depth, humility and compassion." I knew it was time to be around my family and closest friends after ten years of living four hours away. Once I swallowed my pride and reached out to them, their support was overwhelming.

I moved home two years ago and threw myself into writing. In January, I self-published my second book, Goodwill Tour: Paying It Forward, about a philanthropic road-trip that I went on with a friend around the southeastern United States. After working at a library for the past year and a half, I took a leap of faith last month, leaving my job to pursue writing full-time. I don't know what will happen, but I will in no way regret not giving my dream everything that I've got. Though I may never understand why I have gone through what I have, I remind myself often that I am right where I am supposed to be and that everything happens for a reason.

As an unknown, independent author, I am grateful to people like Lindsay for giving me a platform to help spread my message. I also appreciate people like you for reading my story. I would love to connect with you on Twitter (@Keith_Maginn) or at my website keithmaginn.com. Thank you and all the best!