My Heart and Other Black Holes - Jasmine Warga

Synopsis

Aysel and Roman are practically strangers, but they've been drawn into an unthinkable partnership. In a month's time, they plan to commit suicide - together.

Aysel knows why she wants to die: being the daughter of a murderer doesn't equal normal, well-adjusted teenager. But she can't figure out why handsome, popular Roman wants to end it all....and why he's even more determined than she is.

With the deadline getting closer, something starts to grow between Aysel and Roman - a feeling she never thought she would experience. It seems there might be something to live for, after all - but is Aysel in so deep she can't turn back? 

~~~~~

'Maybe we all have darkness inside of us and some of us are better at dealing with it than others.'

I was keen to read My Heart and Other Black Holes when I found out about it, as the storyline and themes really interest me personally. I read it quickly and found the story gripping and compelling, and I felt compassion for Aysel and Roman, two young people, total strangers, who plan to take their own lives, together. 

For the most part I thought this was an excellent book; I was so glad to see something written in young adult fiction exploring difficult, complex feelings of guilt, and dealing with deep depression, and in this case focussing on teenagers. This is an impressive, moving and honest debut novel with a frank and well portrayed depiction of depression, sadness and self-blame. 

There are some excellent scenes and a real understanding and compassion of depression is demonstrated in the writing, as well as the difficulty some people can have with interactions with others, retreating into themselves so far that their outlook on the world becomes very bleak indeed, believing they are everything their illness tells them they are. The author convincingly depicts problems within different relationships, whether between siblings, mother-daughter, mother-son - so as well as depression and the individual, the novel looks at different family structures and friendships too and how they are affected. 

My main quibble was that I personally was not a hundred percent sure about the ending and whether it felt right to me, but I would definitely recommend others read this novel and decide for themselves. This story affected me in the way I think I thought the book The Fault in Our Stars would but didn't. 

I read a proof copy a while ago now and I hope when the finished book appears here in the UK that there will be appropriate help and support links at the back for the UK for anyone who might need them (as the novel is set in the USA). I do think it is important that topics like this are covered, sensitively. 

I did find parts of this story upsetting and notice my mood drop, so if you doubt your strength do think about whether it is the right time for you to read this, and whether it will help you. 

Review copy received via amazon vine 

Reasons to Stay Alive - Matt Haig

Synopsis from goodreads:

I want life.

I want to read it and write it and feel it and live it.

I want, for as much of the time as possible in this blink-of-an-eye existence we have, to feel all that can be felt.

I hate depression. I am scared of it. Terrified, in fact. But at the same time, it has made me who I am. And if - for me - it is the price of feeling life, it's a price always worth paying

Reasons to Stay Alive is about making the most of your time on earth. In the western world the suicide rate is highest amongst men under the age of 35. Matt Haig could have added to that statistic when, aged 24, he found himself staring at a cliff-edge about to jump off. This is the story of why he didn't, how he recovered and learned to live with anxiety and depression. It's also an upbeat, joyous and very funny exploration of how live better, love better, read better and feel more. 

Published by Canongate

~~~~~

'When you are depressed you feel alone, and that no one is going through quite what you are going through. You are so scared of appearing in any way mad you internalise everything, and you are so scared that people will alienate you further you clam up and don't speak about it, which is a shame, as speaking about it helps. Words - spoken or written - are what connect us to the world, and so speaking about it to people, and writing about this stuff, helps connect us to each other, and to our true selves.'

I read Reasons to Stay Alive the same day it arrived in the post. 

I'd been looking forward so much to this book arriving.

Actually, both looking forward to it, and a bit trepidatious about reading it. 
For one thing, I thought, if I don't read it straight away, I might put it off and become more and more scared about starting it. So I opened the cover and just read it. 

It's not always easy to comment about something that deals with subject matter which relates very personally to you. 

But I want to try, because if ever there was an important book it's this one. 

Because, speaking from experience, depression can be an isolating, frightening, misunderstood illness, and if there's anything that's able to help with a sufferer feeling a bit less alone and bit more understood, then that 'thing', be it a book, a film, whatever, is worth shouting about. 

Words I would use to describe this book, for someone who doesn't want to read or can't manage to read a big long review just now, (based on my experience of desperately wanting to understand more about this illness but recoiling at the detail in some books that I just couldn't cope with on my own at times when struggling):

kind, understanding, honest, helpful, warm, positive, open, important, cheering, supportive, encouraging, straightforward, a friend.

This book helps because it grasps what depression is like, how it can take over your life and make you feel like you are not yourself anymore, the depression is you. How can the book do this with so much insight and comprehension? Because the writer has been there and knows.

Author Matt Haig describes his own personal experiences with depression and anxiety, the worst and lowest point he found himself at, what he has done to try and get better, how he has found ways that sometimes help him, and the things that he wants to live for. 

It was wonderful to read of how books, and then starting to write, have been so important in helping Matt. He recommends here some of the books that he read when he felt unwell. I find solace myself through reading as much as I am able to, and still want to try writing one day, so it was encouraging to read how these things helped the author.

He also discusses some of what he has learnt about the illness; I found the mentions of evolutionary psychology interesting and maybe one day I'll read more about this - has the world moved on too fast for our minds? I think that was the sort of idea, if I've grasped it correctly. 

The book informs, or reminds us, depending on your knowledge, that there is still a huge amount that is unknown about this illness:

'The more you research the science of depression, the more you realise it is still more characterised by what we don't know that what we do. It is 90 per cent mystery.'

In terms of my thoughts about the book, all I can say is what the book did for me, as I was reading it, and after I had finished. I hope that this is helpful.

For someone struggling with depression (and anxiety), this book could make a difference to you in these ways - these are some of the things I thought and felt about it as I read:

It will help me

It will help someone who loves me

It's kind and understanding and honest

It's easy to read, and well presented, decent sized decently spaced print and a manageable length, something that can't be underestimated when you're depressed

It's open and honest and it shows me that there is a chance to get through each day

It shows that I are not alone in thinking awful things, in thinking I might never feel better, and it understands - this is huge - it understands that sometimes doing the tiniest smallest things are terrifying, and they are major accomplishments. In particular I'm thinking of the part about going to the shop on your own when you are very low. 

It understands the battle to try and hold on to a positive thought. 

It offers me reasons to be hopeful, to be strong, and ways to look at things differently, positively.

I feel like someone else in the world understands me now. I feel a bit less alone, a bit less scared, a bit less guilty and anxious and burdened. 

It helps you understand that everyone's experience of depression differs, that there is no one size fits all approach or answer to it, but it offers things to try that have worked for the author.

Just to reiterate one of my feelings about it mentioned above - I think it will be helpful to read for someone who loves you and is trying to help you with this illness, to help them see it from the inside as well as the outside, it offers some clarity and insight that a person really suffering might not be able to put into words very well for themselves, - how do you explain depression? - and it will help them to encourage their loved one that they are not the only one who feels depressed like they do (a common feeling). 

There's a couple of pages headed up 'Things depression says to you'. I nodded at it all so I marked the whole pages. Things like...
'Why are you trying to apply for a job? Who do you think you are?.....
Why are you crying?
Because you need to put the washing on?
Look at the people walking outside....
Why can't you be like them?'
Those pages alone really helped me feel a relief that somone understood. And they might just help others without experience of it to gain insight. And to me, both of these things, the compassion given to sufferers and the understanding given to others, breaking down stigma, are really, really important. 

Many other words that struck a chord as I was reading, here's a couple of them: 

'...the sheer exhaustion of never being able to find mental comfort. Of every positive thought reaching a cul-de-sac before it starts.' 

'days contained thousands of tiny battles'

There are so many sentences I will revisit and re-read, that struck a chord with me and had me nodding in agreement, thinking 'yes, that!', or passages that had me in tears, or sections that felt like a comfort, like a virtual hand holding mine or a virtual friend offering understanding and kindness, and I think and hope I will be able to find encouragement in this book in any future times that I might need it.

It was great to see the quote from Stephen Fry on the book's cover, someone else in the public eye whom I like and admire for breaking down stigma surrounding mental illness.

I hope these thoughts have made some sense and it's not all too incoherent I just felt this was a brilliant book and I had to write about it.

Thank you Matt Haig for being brave enough to look back on his memories and experiences and write this book, thank you to the publisher Canongate for bringing it to us. 

The Son-in-Law - Charity Norman

This is the second novel I have read by Charity Norman; I was very impressed by After the Fall, and though that remains my favourite of the two, there is much to admire in this, her latest offering, The Son-in-Law.  (You can read my thoughts on After the Fall here. Freeing Grace is on my to be read asap pile).

The Son-in-Law opens with an explosive short section – one of the exhibits in a criminal case at Leeds Crown Court - the transcript of a telephone call made to the emergency services by a ten-year-old girl named Scarlett, recounting what has just happened to her mother Zoe; Scarlett’s father Joseph hit her. 

Then the main narrative begins, we move forward a few years, and we discover the aftermath of what happened, and we learn what the present and future might hold for all those affected by Zoe’s death. (Her death is no secret; it is revealed in the synopsis to the novel that she was killed.)

Three voices tell us the tale: we hear about the lives of Scarlett and of Hannah, Zoe’s mother, in their own intimate first-person accounts, and then Joseph Scott, Zoe’s husband and Scarlett’s father, whose side is told at a slight distance through a third-person narrator. 

Hannah's holds her son-in-law Joseph fully responsible for Zoe's death. Hannah is riddled with grief, bereft that her only child is gone from the world. Together with her husband, she has cared for the three children left behind when Zoe passed away and Joseph went to prison. Scarlett is Zoe's daughter and her eldest child; there are two brothers as well. Scarlett is now in her teenage years. Joseph is emerging from prison in Leeds having served his sentence. He has lost his wife, his career as a teacher, and his three children. He feels that Hannah never liked him and that he wasn't good enough for Zoe. Now he wants his children back, something Hannah can't even contemplate.

The family is so torn, filled with pain and hurt, wanting to do the right thing for the children. The anguish and loss is strongly felt by the reader; it’s an emotional read, and one that makes you think, it causes the reader to debate internally and consider the outcomes and where the children might be best suited, who they ought to be with, and it’s certainly a tricky one, despite what your gut reaction might be. I had to think twice about what I thought the best outcome was.

The novel deals with another difficult subject, that of mental health. I didn't realise this when I started reading, and I found it a bit upsetting when I discovered this. I felt strongly that Zoe ought to have had more help and support and I would have liked this area to have been explored in a bit more detail; this was the main weakness of the story for me. 

I do enjoy this author's writing style very much. She writes convincingly in different voices, from that of a girl to a grandmother, building rounded characters, and revealing character cleverly. The interactions between the characters feel believable, with credible dialogue used very effectively. The touching relationship between Hannah and her ageing, wonderful husband Frederick, whose health starts to fail, is tenderly portrayed. We are drawn into this family's life, and there is light and shade in these characters, as with real life, no one is perfect, they have redeeming features and they have weaknesses, and there is no easy answer to what they face; far from it. 

I also enjoyed the Yorkshire setting, the mentions of the city of York, and the use of authentic expressions. (Between this and After the Fall, Charity Norman has used two of my favourite places in the world, Yorkshire and New Zealand, as her settings, which I've really enjoyed.) The author's background as a barrister added authenticity to the sections dealing with legal procedure, and the dealings with the family court advisor Lester Hardy felt plausible; I liked how his character was brought into the tale, someone who looked at both sides and offered an unbiased interpretation of the situation. 

This is a painful, emotionally raw story that examines the deep wounds left behind after the tragic death of a beloved daughter, mother and wife. It was heartbreaking and at times upsetting, and Charity Norman doesn't avoid the sad realities of this difficult situation for all concerned, but the story also offers hope and looks at people's ability to forgive and build bridges even when it feels impossible. This author isn't afraid of tacking life-changing themes, and she is a must-read for me now.

Published by Allen and Unwin

Thanks to the publisher for kindly sending me a copy of this novel to read and give an honest review.

You can find the author on twitter @CharityNorman1 

Freaks Like Us - Susan Vaught

‘There’s no running away from what’s in your own head.’

This is the story of three friends, one of whom, seventeen-year-old Jason Milwaukee, is the first person narrator. Sunshine goes missing and the mystery of the story is in trying to resolve where she is and why she has disappeared, with Jason struggling to remember what she had said to him before she disappeared, her voice fighting with the other, overpowering voices in his head.

Jason, who is telling the story here, is SCZI - schizophrenic. Sunshine is SM - selectively mute, and Drip (Derrick) has ADHD. Collectively they, and others like them who suffer mental illnesses tagged by such initials, refer to themselves as ‘alphabets’. As Jason’s father explains to FBI Agent Mercer, ‘”It’s a word Jason and Sunshine and Derrick use to describe themselves as a group. It feels better to them than any of the disorder-disability talk.”’

Jason often refers to his mother and father by their professional ranks of the colonel and the captain. His parents divorced when he was twelve and when we meet him he is living with his father. Jason is also referred to as “Freak” and tells Agent Mercer frankly: “Everybody calls me that. You can.”

The tension builds in the story as the hours go by since Sunshine has been gone. Susan Vaught's writing feels compassionate and honest in dealing with mental health in teenagers, how it feels to them to be different, to be classed as SED - Severely Emotionally Disturbed. The author is a practicing psychologist. She conveys the intensity of the struggle to deal with his affliction throughout every waking moment, through Jason’s hurried speech and transcribing the talk he hears from all of the different, competing voices in his head – the style of writing reflects the chaos of Jason’s mind and thoughts and the voices. Some of the thoughts they tell him are very negative and cruel: ‘He knows it’s your fault. He knows you’re an idiot. Fool on the hill. Fool on the hill. He’s got cold eyes. Why does he have cold eyes? He’s probably a serial killer.’

The author is careful to make it clear that he is not his illness; at one point he is talking and realizes these aren’t his thoughts but the thoughts of the voices he hears;

‘I hate it when I sound like my alphabet voices.

I hate it when I smear together like a wet photograph and get all sticky and can’t tell the crazy voices from my own voice and what I’m seeing now from what I saw before and what I want to see now and what I wanted to see before and –‘

His frustration at his real thoughts being clouded and hidden sometimes by everything else that is going on in his mind is difficult for him to bear.

I found this an unsettling and difficult read at times; some of the images Jason sees are a bit disturbing and the constant reminders of the cruel and confused voices littered throughout the text make for an uneasy read. But this is the author’s point; this is conveying the illness and the realities of what Jason endures. I’m glad the author attempted to portray this as it is. Anyone who has suffered or had experience of a mental illness will likely feel a resonance with this story, as will many compassionate readers who haven’t.

Throughout the story I found myself liking Jason and admiring him for who he is. I felt very sad and frustrated for him at times, when he was being bullied, or misunderstood by those who don’t know him, or when his unusual behaviour attracts unjustified suspicions that he might be guilty. Most sad of all was when he couldn’t reach inside his mind and find the memories and thoughts that he really needed, the clues that would help him understand about Sunshine, because the voices keep getting in the way, causing confusion. His deep affection and respect for Sunshine is evident throughout. I was so glad the three of them – Jason, Sunshine and Drip - had had each other’s friendship and understanding. It’s very clear that, as Jason observes, 'Some days life makes more sense than other days.'

The shift in the relationship between FBI Agent Mercer and Jason as the story progresses was very nicely done I thought. As he emerges with new understanding and consideration for Jason, so too does the reader.

A poignant, honest and distinctive young adult mystery novel with frank insights into mental health. 

Published by Bloomsbury Childrens Books

The Painted Bridge - Wendy Wallace

It is 1859 when Anna Palmer is cruelly incarcerated against her will by her husband Vincent in a Victorian asylum near London named Lake House. This private asylum houses genteel women supposedly needing a rest and a cure, those who have delicate sensibilities. Having realised what has happened to her, and what Lake House actually is, Anna immediately sets about trying to prove there is nothing wrong with her and that she doesn’t belong there and should be allowed to leave immediately. She appeals unsuccessfully to her uncaring husband to let her return home.

Lucas St Clair is a physician working at the asylum, employing the very new medium of photography in his work with the patients, believing that it may perhaps be used to shed light on the health of their minds.

Anna is subject to cruel treatments in the asylum that were common in those days, supposedly in the name of a cure. Initially she wants little to do with the other residents, but slowly she lets her guard down and finds more in common with some of them than she first expected. Alongside some companionship with the owner’s daughter, and her meetings with Lucas St Clair, they are of course the only people who can help reduce her feelings of isolation and from whom she can gain strength and solidarity.

I was gripped by the storyline right from the start. I felt sad at the helpless situation Anna found herself in, and angry at the ease with which she was locked away there by her husband. The author highlights the cruelties and injustices of the system and of society prevalent in those times, leaving women with little or no say in their own destiny, and locked away for feeling low or anxious, or just not behaving as expected. The writer caused me to care about Anna and share her feeling of being trapped, and I was willing her to find an escape somehow.

I loved the author’s use of language, and the names she created for some of the characters at Lake House struck me as perfect.

There is beautiful and convincing period detail throughout this intelligent, perceptive historical novel, and the author has evidently researched her topics well, but is never heavy handed with the details. I found it particularly interesting to read about this early use of photography, the processes involved, and this theory that it may enlighten a doctor as to the mental health of patients. Will Anna be able to prove her sanity? What is the truth about her past, and her husband? The lines between truth, reality and fact become blurred until we are unsure quite what to believe at times.

The hardback edition of this novel has beautiful endpapers which complement it very well.

This is a fascinating, emotional and compelling debut novel with engaging characters and a strong storyline throughout. This is a book that I would definitely read a second time. I am really looking forward to reading the next novel by this author. 

Published by Simon & Schuster

You can follow the author on twitter @slangular and visit her website here.

Thank you very much to the publisher for the opportunity to meet this author at their book bloggers event recently. Thank you very much to Wendy for being so friendly and happy to discuss her book and her work. 

Dear Dee - Sue Uden - Review and Author Interview

This novel depicts the torment a family goes through in trying to help their daughter Jackie who is suffering from mental illness. John and Nickii Tolley have two married daughters, Claire and Jackie. Jackie is separated from her husband Lytton, and from their children. Her parents are very worried about her, and the strain on them is evident. Jackie's father John, together with other daughter Claire, are both keen writers, and John is determined to complete his novel, to write Jackie's story, emphasising the pain that her husband Lytton has inflicted on her. Nickii becomes increasingly worried about how John's health may be affected as all of this is going on. 

It's a very moving, intensely emotional read that successfully tackles this difficult subject. I feel desperately sorry for Jackie, as when we meet her she is not getting anywhere near enough help or support with her condition from her incompetent doctor. The author does not shy away from the pain, sadness and loneliness that this sort of depressive illness can cause for the sufferer; the dark feelings and the anguish and frustration at feeling so low and trapped, and not being able to express oneself. 'Inside Jackie was screaming, 'Help me. Help me....' But the words wouldn't come.' The struggle to get through the day, when feeling so depressed and powerless; 'It was as though her body were made of stone and cemented to the chair she was sitting in.' This is a very accurate portrayal of how it feels to suffer from depression, to feel trapped and isolated, to have lost one's own voice and the strength and ability to express oneself. In another situation, with family around her, the author describes how Jackie feels sitting there amongst them as they going about various activities. 'But it was as though all of these things had happened on the outside of a huge bubble, inside which Jackie sat alone...She could see and hear through it; but it blurred her vision and toned down the sound, and it stopped her touching.'

Equally, the writer successfully portrays the exasperation and strain in those around the sufferer, who care for them and want to help, but don't have the answers. 'The frustration that all their love and support couldn't make Jackie better had become too great.' They want to help their daughter, but they can't see the best way of doing this, and wish things were better. John's thoughts reveal the conflict between his love for Jackie and wanting to understand, to help and protect her; she is still his little girl, but the nagging thought persists that she must change things herself. 'It wasn't her fault. Time and again he had to tell himself that it was not her fault; but he seemed to be dogged by a rising impatience and peevishness over which he had no control.'

I don't want to reveal any further information about the plot, as it is for future readers to discover what happens with Jackie and her family, except to say that the ending is not without hope. This is a well-written first novel tackling what is a devastating illness with sensitivity, intelligence and insight.

5/5


'Dear Dee' is published by Olympia Publishers in the UK and available to buy now, click here for the link to the Amazon UK page or click here for Amazon USA. 


A proportion of the sale of the book will go to The Stroke Association and Mind Mental Health Charity.


Thank you to the author for providing a copy for me to read and give an unbiased review.


Sue Uden is one of the authors involved in the loveahappyending project. You can visit Sue's own website here. 

 

Interview with the author, 
Sue Uden 

What inspired you to write 'Dear Dee'?

The novel itself tells the complete answer to that question, but nothing is spoiled by saying that the book is based on close hand experience of mental illness, and I felt strongly that (a) there was not enough help to support either the sufferer or the family and I hoped to highlight that.  And, (b) that by writing about the problems, just maybe it could help to raise awareness and reduce the stigma involved. 

Do you think issues surrounding mental illness are well represented in fiction?

Hmm..  There are many wonderful novels that I can think of that deal with the subject of mental illness.  Many, many years ago - almost before any of the experiences covered in Dear Dee began - I read Antonia White's trilogy of 'Frost in May, 'The Sugar House' and 'Beyond the Glass' in which she describes a mental breakdown.  Then there are the novels of Mark Haddon. I have read two of his, 'The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time, which tells the story of a young man with autism; and 'A Spot of Bother' the story of George Hall and his family where George has a crisis verging on a breakdown.  Then there was 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest',  Doris Lessing's 'The Golden Notebook', the novels of Janet Frame and recently Emma Henderson's novel, 'Grace Williams Says It Loud' which was dedicated to her older sister, Clare, who spent her life in an institution.  That was shortlisted for the Orange Prize in 2011 and is on my TBR list. There are many many more that I can think of and obviously many that I don't know about.

In fact concentrating on the answer to that question has made me see what truly wonderful novels there are out there which have already been written on varying stages and conditions of mental illness.  And has also made question why I ever dared to think that I could have a crack at joining them - scary and humbling!

Do You Have a Favourite Book?

Ooh I always find this one so hard because there are so many 'favourite' books!  My answers are always different so I suppose that means that no, I don't actually have a favourite!  But this time I am going to choose Mole's Castle by Elleston Trevor because it made me hoot with laughter (of the LOL variety) when I was a child.

What are you currently reading?

The Go-Between by L.P. Hartley - going for a bit of a 'classic' for a change at the moment.

Do You Have a Favourite Writer?

Another question where it is almost impossible to choose from a lifetime of reading fantastic authors but often my answer to this one is - Margaret Forster.

Thank you very much for your time, Sue!